Attachment, greed, expectation, excess, envy, longing…

All of these words express an idea telling us that we are not already enough. That we need something more from the outside world to fulfill us and make us into a better person. It is easy to fall into this trap, there are bright and shiny people and things all around us beckoning us to think we need them or need to become like them in order to be more compete, better liked, happier, whatever!

I recently had an experience that sucked me into this hole over something so trivial it’s ridiculous! There was a new brand of fancy health drink stocked at my local food coop that I just had to have. Most likely some combination of chia seeds, kombucha, coconut water, probiotic amazing-health-fortifying-elixir. So I bought one and applauded myself on my self control for not guzzling it right away, but bringing it home to wait until the most ideal moment for consumption.

The next day I was thinking about this drink all day. Would it be delicious? Would I feel instantly hydrated and refreshed? Would it make my life more complete? I was clearly setting the expectation bar pretty high. I finally got home and opened the fridge to reach for this beverage that would make my life so much better only to find that it was GONE! My partner had consumed this precious liquid ignorant to the fact that it was mine. My mood immediately went south. I turned into a crazy, irrational monster! Slamming the fridge shut yelling, stomping around, losing any sense of equilibrium I had – allowing my senses to run rampant.

That drink had become a symbol for all my unfulfilled expectations. I had become so attached to it, thinking that it would bring me into a higher state of being that I forgot to listen to that part of my mind that knows better. That higher part of your mind that tells you there are more drinks at the store, that something so trivial is not worth getting so upset over, that attaching myself to temporary whims will only lead to unhappiness. I didn’t want to listen to that voice though. I was enjoying feeling upset and righteous. I deserved that drink! If only I had been home earlier. What if I had just drank it that morning. If only my partner could read my mind and know how invested I was in this particular item in the refrigerator.

After I had calmed down enough to stop feeling sorry for myself, I started to notice the string of thoughts that had led me to this place of delusion. By attaching myself to this expectation, I was living in the future and not allowing myself to fully be present and aware of where I was during each moment throughout the day. I was holding on and lashing out. Then that higher part of my mind began to pester me with the yogic teachings that I study so fervently. Two things kept popping up.

First was the concept of aparigraha – non-clinging/covetousness/greed/attachment… One of the yamas, or ethical code of standards, that is the very first limb of yoga. Practicing aparigraha means being able to let go, finding balance in our material possessions, doing my best and letting it be enough. Letting go of the need to control or compare because I am already perfect in my own being, just as we all are.

Second was a quote from the Bhagavad-gita, verse 2:62-63

As a person contemplates the objects of the senses, there arises in him an attachment to them; from attachment arises desire; from desire anger is produced. From anger comes delusion; from delusion, the confusion of memory and loss of faculty of discrimination; by loss of the faculty of discrimintaion, one perishes. 

This quote summed up my experience to a tee. My perceived need to consume this beverage to satiate my thirst and fulfill all my expectations had me lusting after this bottle all day. When I could no longer have it at the moment I wanted it, I lost it. Looking back, it is hard to tell if I ever reacted as a sane human being because of the small rage cloud blocking any bit of logic.

I would like to say that I learned my lesson, but instead I will say that I am learning my lesson. Human reaction is not something so easily tamed, nor should it have to be. However, I can say that with practice I am learning to see the big picture and allow there to be space in my decision-making. I can choose to be bogged down in the need’s and want’s and should’s or I can choose not to attach myself to things and be free. I am already a whole, perfect, unique being and can let go of things, emotions, thoughts, or actions that don’t serve me.

Namaste!